There's no joy without the pain. It's the pain that makes us strong. But sometimes it's just so hard to carry on. When you said that you don't care. When you say that you'll be there. Well, I wonder just how did things go so wrong. With everything we've had, oh please tell me. And you know it's just so sad. But who's to blame?
So who were you?
I thought I knew? I guess I was mistaken. But I only wanted you. So say goodbye. Don't tell me why. I guess I was mistaken. I know I can't run to you again 'cause you would only run away. I guess there's nothing I can do to make you stay.
You said that you would never leave.
A LIE you told and I believed.
And now you want to go and throw this all away. So what is happening here? oh please tell me. It's exactly as I feared.
You're just the same.
and as I blame myself again. Wondering what I did. You tell me that you still might care for me. You say you're just confused. But that's really no excuse. You don't get sympathy 'cause I don't need this mindtrip, I must be myself. Must free myself from you. And all you put me through
'cause' I only wanted you

suddenly i realised that this song says it all. hahaha! and it's in my folders for years.


Lyrics | Save Ferris - Mistaken lyrics


to whoever who feels the same way.

I AM EXHAUSTED

my lighting designer wasnt what i expected him to be. first, it was my first time "playing" with the lighting console MYSELF. I REPEAT MYSELF!! no supervisor nothing. well, yes... for the cabling i had class rep guiding me. and then a Level 3 student helping on the next day. i was practically shivering before the Level 3 guy came. yesterday and today... i was by MYSELF. i dont care if i had to keep saying MYSELF coz im really pushing MYSELF like never before. when i thought i'll be meeting Zaidi during my dinner break, i could get a long hug just to get some of my tension away. but he couldnt make it on time. so here i am babbling about my production. i sacrificed my breaks just to cool myself down and prepare for his orders. the hour break wasnt enough to cool me down. he wants me to familiarise the console MYSELF. fine, i guess i didnt do that. im not those kind who likes to read manual. i learn by doing hands-on. most of the time, i'll be alone in the control room obeying his orders. when things were smooth, "thank yous" was a rare. when things cocked up, he shouts or get frustrated and say "what are you doing?".
record, plotting and going through cues all at the same time with 2 people giving me instructions. adding to that is a really loud rehearsal in which i had a hard time hearing the cues and orders.
im going to breakdown soon. i hope i'll breakdown in front of of that bloody designer. im a student who just started with this things in less than 5 months. he expects me to be an expert by reading the manual. FUCK. each time i see his face, i lost my appetite to eat. havent been eating a proper meal for 3 days straight. i couldnt bring myself to. i feel undeserving to give myself such a treat. thanks to this designer.
last 2 days when i came home, i sort of blew out to my younger siblings. i didnt mean to actually. i was really tired. imagine, i volunteered to come early, have breaks less than 15 minutes just to make him happy and complete what he wanted to complete. and what do i get??? not even a thank you at the end of the day. only the actors said thank you. hello??? im human too ok. god! im crying now!! i feel like not turning up anymore. but it wouldnt make me look good myself.
the sound guys were there and they saw me stress, my classmate and a Level 2 guy. they've got nothing much to do, compared to me. it was really bad that i cant even reply when the Level 2 guy asked me what i'd like to drink so that he could get me something. i couldnt reply. i just stared at them for a while and got on with the orders. my classmate had to tell him to just get redbull for me.
from 130 till 10pm. i ate at 12. 2 kaya buns. that's all. i've no mood to eat. i just want to cry my stress out. let it go. let it go.

damn.
im such a loser for guys with nice smiles.

i dont know if i should express myself to him.

its scary.
its just me, not him.


i don't understand those who accepts and adds people they don't even know in whatever accounts they joined. CRAPS.
i don't entertain such things.
Saturday is something to look forward for. going out with my baby and friends!! nothing can make me happier now.

never did i controlled your life.
neither did i caged you.
i let you free and accepted you for you.
never did i forced you to change.
nor leave you when you're in need.
out of 5 months, i did good for 4 months, 29 days and 22 hours.
i know how one truly loves the other.
coz i was one.
you werent.


so why am i dreading this?
you'd opened my heart back just to break it again.



im exhausted. school's been really crazy with the production. my lighting designer has more then a hundred colour gels for me to find and make. im lucky to have Ratna helping me. it's been a crazy day. projects, assignments, essays.
this is one of the days when i'd like to babble with someone special over the phone after a long day.

it's amazing that i still have tears to spare.
sigh.

production will be in full force this coming week.
actually since yesterday. i helped my ASM do the huge banner (we finished at 11pm). and today was painting of the floor (ended at 930pm). MAYBE, i'll drop by for a couple of hours to help tomorrow. yes, school on a sunday. i guess i have to get use to that now. crazy right? well, not as crazy as this coming week. 9am-130pm classes, 2pm-10pm bump in. for 2 whole weeks i'll be reaching home late night. it's like the school's my 2nd home. more than 12 hours in school. WOW.
it's confirmed that im resigning from Kinokuniya. no more 30% books for me. hahaha! as if im a frequent buyer. pfft. yeah, school is more important. and i told my trainer about it. he told me to do what is right for me.
yups!! i cant commit in bands either. sucky aint it? oh well, i love what im doing. lots of assignments to be done.
till then...

yes, i wish for that special someone by my side.
sigh.

1. i've been having weird dreams.
- my LD came to my house, my room and got topless and slept on my bed.
- people around me told me that Faddil's not malay.
both are WTH dreams k.

2. i thought i saw a black thing in my living room when i came out from my room. it was really quick so i presume it was nothing. i went to do my business but as i past the living room again, i had goosebumps. it's creepy. i never felt that way before.


i love my family like no one's business now.
been spending so much time with them. i was never this way since i started secondary school.
im glad for this change. coz i know, the sacrifices i made for them wont turn back on me.
ooooooh!!! last sunday and monday night, my younger bro, sis and i went roller blading, skating and cycling at our carpark. i skated. hahaha!! wannabe skater girl. pfft. but its fun. maybe i'll start skating during the holidays - not extreme la. then on tuesday, we went swimming in the morning and jogging at night. SIBLINGS LOVE.

first, guitars. then, skate.
guess what im into now???
STUDIES!!
tell me about it. suddenly i had the motivation to go to libraries, borrow books to take my own notes and simply trying to make sense of what i'd been missing. hahaha!!

school was fine.
i hadnt do my Gobo but i'd somehow done my Drafting.
my programme leader going to hate me for this. Bahhh...