I AM EXHAUSTED

my lighting designer wasnt what i expected him to be. first, it was my first time "playing" with the lighting console MYSELF. I REPEAT MYSELF!! no supervisor nothing. well, yes... for the cabling i had class rep guiding me. and then a Level 3 student helping on the next day. i was practically shivering before the Level 3 guy came. yesterday and today... i was by MYSELF. i dont care if i had to keep saying MYSELF coz im really pushing MYSELF like never before. when i thought i'll be meeting Zaidi during my dinner break, i could get a long hug just to get some of my tension away. but he couldnt make it on time. so here i am babbling about my production. i sacrificed my breaks just to cool myself down and prepare for his orders. the hour break wasnt enough to cool me down. he wants me to familiarise the console MYSELF. fine, i guess i didnt do that. im not those kind who likes to read manual. i learn by doing hands-on. most of the time, i'll be alone in the control room obeying his orders. when things were smooth, "thank yous" was a rare. when things cocked up, he shouts or get frustrated and say "what are you doing?".
record, plotting and going through cues all at the same time with 2 people giving me instructions. adding to that is a really loud rehearsal in which i had a hard time hearing the cues and orders.
im going to breakdown soon. i hope i'll breakdown in front of of that bloody designer. im a student who just started with this things in less than 5 months. he expects me to be an expert by reading the manual. FUCK. each time i see his face, i lost my appetite to eat. havent been eating a proper meal for 3 days straight. i couldnt bring myself to. i feel undeserving to give myself such a treat. thanks to this designer.
last 2 days when i came home, i sort of blew out to my younger siblings. i didnt mean to actually. i was really tired. imagine, i volunteered to come early, have breaks less than 15 minutes just to make him happy and complete what he wanted to complete. and what do i get??? not even a thank you at the end of the day. only the actors said thank you. hello??? im human too ok. god! im crying now!! i feel like not turning up anymore. but it wouldnt make me look good myself.
the sound guys were there and they saw me stress, my classmate and a Level 2 guy. they've got nothing much to do, compared to me. it was really bad that i cant even reply when the Level 2 guy asked me what i'd like to drink so that he could get me something. i couldnt reply. i just stared at them for a while and got on with the orders. my classmate had to tell him to just get redbull for me.
from 130 till 10pm. i ate at 12. 2 kaya buns. that's all. i've no mood to eat. i just want to cry my stress out. let it go. let it go.