trust me, i lie

im through

2008-11-12T15:06:00.003+08:00

There's no joy without the pain. It's the pain that makes us strong. But sometimes it's just so hard to carry on. When you said that you don't care. When you say that you'll be there. Well, I wonder just how did things go so wrong. With everything we've had, oh please tell me. And you know it's just so sad. But who's to blame?
So who were you?
I thought I knew? I guess I was mistaken. But I only wanted you. So say goodbye. Don't tell me why. I guess I was mistaken. I know I can't run to you again 'cause you would only run away. I guess there's nothing I can do to make you stay.
You said that you would never leave.
A LIE you told and I believed.
And now you want to go and throw this all away. So what is happening here? oh please tell me. It's exactly as I feared.
You're just the same.
and as I blame myself again. Wondering what I did. You tell me that you still might care for me. You say you're just confused. But that's really no excuse. You don't get sympathy 'cause I don't need this mindtrip, I must be myself. Must free myself from you. And all you put me through
'cause' I only wanted you

MISTAKEN

2008-11-10T13:18:00.002+08:00

suddenly i realised that this song says it all. hahaha! and it's in my folders for years.

Lyrics | Save Ferris - Mistaken lyrics

to whoever who feels the same way.

...

2008-11-07T23:31:00.002+08:00

I AM EXHAUSTED

my lighting designer wasnt what i expected him to be. first, it was my first time "playing" with the lighting console MYSELF. I REPEAT MYSELF!! no supervisor nothing. well, yes... for the cabling i had class rep guiding me. and then a Level 3 student helping on the next day. i was practically shivering before the Level 3 guy came. yesterday and today... i was by MYSELF. i dont care if i had to keep saying MYSELF coz im really pushing MYSELF like never before. when i thought i'll be meeting Zaidi during my dinner break, i could get a long hug just to get some of my tension away. but he couldnt make it on time. so here i am babbling about my production. i sacrificed my breaks just to cool myself down and prepare for his orders. the hour break wasnt enough to cool me down. he wants me to familiarise the console MYSELF. fine, i guess i didnt do that. im not those kind who likes to read manual. i learn by doing hands-on. most of the time, i'll be alone in the control room obeying his orders. when things were smooth, "thank yous" was a rare. when things cocked up, he shouts or get frustrated and say "what are you doing?".
record, plotting and going through cues all at the same time with 2 people giving me instructions. adding to that is a really loud rehearsal in which i had a hard time hearing the cues and orders.
im going to breakdown soon. i hope i'll breakdown in front of of that bloody designer. im a student who just started with this things in less than 5 months. he expects me to be an expert by reading the manual. FUCK. each time i see his face, i lost my appetite to eat. havent been eating a proper meal for 3 days straight. i couldnt bring myself to. i feel undeserving to give myself such a treat. thanks to this designer.
last 2 days when i came home, i sort of blew out to my younger siblings. i didnt mean to actually. i was really tired. imagine, i volunteered to come early, have breaks less than 15 minutes just to make him happy and complete what he wanted to complete. and what do i get??? not even a thank you at the end of the day. only the actors said thank you. hello??? im human too ok. god! im crying now!! i feel like not turning up anymore. but it wouldnt make me look good myself.
the sound guys were there and they saw me stress, my classmate and a Level 2 guy. they've got nothing much to do, compared to me. it was really bad that i cant even reply when the Level 2 guy asked me what i'd like to drink so that he could get me something. i couldnt reply. i just stared at them for a while and got on with the orders. my classmate had to tell him to just get redbull for me.
from 130 till 10pm. i ate at 12. 2 kaya buns. that's all. i've no mood to eat. i just want to cry my stress out. let it go. let it go.

hmmm

2008-11-06T04:17:00.004+08:00

damn.
im such a loser for guys with nice smiles.

i dont know if i should express myself to him.

its scary.
its just me, not him.

i don't understand those who accepts and adds people they don't even know in whatever accounts they joined. CRAPS.
i don't entertain such things.
Saturday is something to look forward for. going out with my baby and friends!! nothing can make me happier now.

no, im good

2008-11-05T00:31:00.002+08:00

never did i controlled your life.
neither did i caged you.
i let you free and accepted you for you.
never did i forced you to change.
nor leave you when you're in need.
out of 5 months, i did good for 4 months, 29 days and 22 hours.
i know how one truly loves the other.
coz i was one.
you werent.

so why am i dreading this?
you'd opened my heart back just to break it again.

im exhausted. school's been really crazy with the production. my lighting designer has more then a hundred colour gels for me to find and make. im lucky to have Ratna helping me. it's been a crazy day. projects, assignments, essays.
this is one of the days when i'd like to babble with someone special over the phone after a long day.

it's amazing that i still have tears to spare.
sigh.

NUNSENSE

2008-11-01T23:32:00.002+08:00

production will be in full force this coming week.
actually since yesterday. i helped my ASM do the huge banner (we finished at 11pm). and today was painting of the floor (ended at 930pm). MAYBE, i'll drop by for a couple of hours to help tomorrow. yes, school on a sunday. i guess i have to get use to that now. crazy right? well, not as crazy as this coming week. 9am-130pm classes, 2pm-10pm bump in. for 2 whole weeks i'll be reaching home late night. it's like the school's my 2nd home. more than 12 hours in school. WOW.
it's confirmed that im resigning from Kinokuniya. no more 30% books for me. hahaha! as if im a frequent buyer. pfft. yeah, school is more important. and i told my trainer about it. he told me to do what is right for me.
yups!! i cant commit in bands either. sucky aint it? oh well, i love what im doing. lots of assignments to be done.
till then...

yes, i wish for that special someone by my side.
sigh.

what's that?

2008-10-30T00:53:00.003+08:00

1. i've been having weird dreams.
- my LD came to my house, my room and got topless and slept on my bed.
- people around me told me that Faddil's not malay.
both are WTH dreams k.

2. i thought i saw a black thing in my living room when i came out from my room. it was really quick so i presume it was nothing. i went to do my business but as i past the living room again, i had goosebumps. it's creepy. i never felt that way before.

i love my family like no one's business now.
been spending so much time with them. i was never this way since i started secondary school.
im glad for this change. coz i know, the sacrifices i made for them wont turn back on me.
ooooooh!!! last sunday and monday night, my younger bro, sis and i went roller blading, skating and cycling at our carpark. i skated. hahaha!! wannabe skater girl. pfft. but its fun. maybe i'll start skating during the holidays - not extreme la. then on tuesday, we went swimming in the morning and jogging at night. SIBLINGS LOVE.

first, guitars. then, skate.
guess what im into now???
STUDIES!!
tell me about it. suddenly i had the motivation to go to libraries, borrow books to take my own notes and simply trying to make sense of what i'd been missing. hahaha!!

school was fine.
i hadnt do my Gobo but i'd somehow done my Drafting.
my programme leader going to hate me for this. Bahhh...

i wonder

2008-10-28T12:27:00.002+08:00

sometimes i wonder if im cut out to be in school now. i've no motivation to study and each time i told myself that im going to buck up for the next term, i got worst. it sucks. no one to encourage me and push me and all. i've never been like this, i know. coz i was independent in secondary school. maybe because i know what i had to learn. but here, everything is haywire. there's no syllabus. no idea what to expect next. it sucks coz i got tired of thinking about what i had to learn. it looked so organised in the beginning but since its a college, the time table can change whenever is needed. ARGH!!! i hate this. i want a break from school and buck things up myself. i may be participating in discussions but that is it. there's nothing more to that than just using my common sense. well, i got to say that that's what im good at - common sense. should i email program leader about this. argh!!!
sigh...

its sucks when the comfort you had is no longer there for you.
it sucks when you have a brother who has a name of your former boyfriend.
i took a quiz on whether im moving on.
well, after about 6 months, it claims that im in the process of moving on.
oh really???
this is nuts.
somehow i feel that history is repeating itself.
pfft.

i dream

2008-10-28T00:35:00.003+08:00

check out the song at the bottom of my right column.
very 1st song i composed. it's not complete but so far, i love it.
i just need a good recorder and an awesome guitarist to play along with me. (yes, that was me on the guitars. sucks but im working on it)
:)

updates

2008-10-26T14:59:00.002+08:00

there's so many things to write about so bear with me.

firstly... my mother. she lost a whole lot of weight due to some black magic. she looks sick now. well, she's taking some "medication" so i hope she'll gets better.

my production, Nunsense will be on mid November. when i read it, i love it. it's hilarious and it's a Musical. weeeeee! and from what i'd read, there's quite a number of lighting cues. hehe!
other than that will be Backstage Pass. i can wait to start. honestly, i hate all the theory part of school. sigh. but i had to catch up with them.

im learning to play guitar via Youtube.

my classmates got me a belated birthday gift. and it's one of my birthday wishes!!!
thank you guys!!

im feeling super lazy these few days. i want to quit Kinokuniya soon. wait till my 2 years stay there - which is another 1 month.
i want to work in Ehub eXplorer Kid!! i want to play with the kids!!
if not, La Senza with my classmate would be fine.

a whole day and night with Emma was refreshing. oooooh!! we tried the very first Fish & Co Express outlet. YUMMY!! pretty much a value for money coz i expect the burger to be bigger.
haha!

YAWNS

2008-10-23T01:18:00.001+08:00

it's been a tiring week. luck has been on my side for assignments.

something happened to my mum.

will update more next time.

tired

2008-10-16T15:37:00.004+08:00

my birthday spent with family and my one and only, Emma, was AWESOME.
Seoul Garden with family after school. i had a bad tummy ache (what a luck right?!), so i didnt eat much. pfft. but i force myself to eat. of coz la since the last the 2 days before my birthday i was sick. didnt eat anything, just drank water. so yeah. then we walked around Bugis before my parents had to go back home to prepare for some guests who were coming to our house. I helped my sis get her prom dress. well, bare 16 and she already has a Dorothy Perkins dress!!! guess having an elder sister is good after all. you're expose to such stuffs earlier. coz for me, that only happens when im 18-19?? hahaha!! oh! and she's having a prom. Junyuan didnt have such thing for their pioneers. F*** rite. oh well, im glad we had spent our time together. after then it was Flyer with Emma!!! it was STUPENDOUS!!! we were both taking pictures like no one's business. acting like tourists and all. hahaha!! ooooo!! we caught the sunset from the Flyer. B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L!!! i was happy, getting to spent my birthday with her. we tried to catch up as much as possible. our initial plan was to go to Fish n Co for dinner, but the journey back to the outlet was long and we were tired. so we made do with Popeye!! weeeeee!! YUMMY YUM YUM!! as were were eating, i got a call from Joshua asking if i could audition that night. i said ok and i have to convince Emma to accompany me. it's my birthday, after all. she wasnt hesitant la and only did i realised what i had put myself into. hahaha! coz the audition is to sing live in a pub. thank god Emma was there. if not, i couldnt bring myself to even go through the door. she's like a coach beside me, supporting me, encouraging me, etc. OMG. i dont know what i'll do without her. and yeah, i did it. it wasnt my best but i felt good singing. hahaha! guess i'll sing just fine IF i will ever sing in front of an audience again. hehe! then we took a cab home.
definitely a memorable birthday.
THANK YOU LOVES.

i've been doing my assignments. i've been handing them. i've been going to school more regularly (though i skipped today. body's aching, lack of sleep for days). the only assignment i didnt do is the Gobo for Lighting module. havent got time to get the stuffs. pfft. thought being in the technical side i wont need to spent so much. but well, well, well... im a regular in Art Friend now. great. when i thought i wouldnt need to go there EVER.
AutoCAD for school again and im loving it (but carrying the laptop around again isnt).
Lighting workshop was great. Rigging, focusing, playing with the system. love it.

im glad things are cleared when i no longer have any love for you. it hurts, but much lesser. Allah and time will help me with this process of having you as a good friend IF you even treat me as such coz guys say things just to make girls feel better... like they mean it.
i dont if its a karma coz i've been neglecting guys who
1. likes me and waits for me for years.
2. gives me all the attention.
3. pays for everything when we go out.
well, that sucks.

now, i'd like to share some nice things with you.
recently at work, i had to do 4 cartons of big but not heavy gift box sets (christmas season is coming). as usual, i had to tape the boxes before displaying them. after i'd made the space for the 2 titles, i started taping and piling one by one. then there's this 5 year old chinese girl and her brother watching me do it. they were looking for their father so when i asked if they want me to call their father they said there isnt a need to cause their dad told them to wait for him there (children's area). the brother was running around browsing books but the girl stayed and watched me. when her brother came back to check on her, he asked what i was doing.
so i said, "oh, im taping these boxes."
they he asked again with while playing around the area "why do you have to tape the boxes?"
the girl chimed after him "yeah, why you have to tape the boxes?"
"coz if i dont, there's going to be people to takes them off", i replied.
"but if you tape the boxes they cannot look at it"
"well, they can come to me for help to open for them"
and they went "Oooooooh"
and her brother went off again. i can see that she was shy so i started talking.
"so you like to read books?"
"no"
"really? then you like coming here?"
"no"
"hahaha! ok then what do you like to do? play with dolls?"
"hehehe! no, i dont like that"
"then what do you like?"
"nothing"
"really?"
"yeah, nothing"
"ok"
after a while she came nearer.
"so how old are you?"
"five"
"schooling?"
"yeah"
"you like schooling?"
"no"
"no? why?"
silence.
"well, you dont like to play in school? colouring? painting?"
"i like painting"
"hahah! see! you do like something. you like painting"
and she giggled. "yeah"
guess she got more comfortable with me and tried to help me hands on. but i was afraid cause the binder was sharp. but since she doesnt like books, i let her help her. she held the binder and i held her hands. make sure that the sharp part does not come in contact with her of i'll sure be in trouble. and her brother came in and there somehow fight for the "assistant to me" position. that was scary but as i somehow tried to calm things down, they managed to learn to share (guess their parents taught them well. i want my kids to be like that, too)
"ok mei mei. i go one time, then its your turn ok?"
"ok"
so there were 3. they were so excited i tell you. hahaha!! i let them take out the box from the carton and helped them with the taping one after another. it was tiring after a while. then as things were going smoothly the brother got so engrossed with the taping, he elbowed her in the face behind him. she didnt cry but i know that it hurts. i rubbed the area where i thought it hurt and asked if she's ok. his brother was scared, i can see, but he tried not to show it. then i ask him what he should say.
"sorry mei mei"
she didnt say anything though.
"i think you should kiss your mei mei"
"no. here mei mei, it's your turn. you can do 2 times"
and went off and do minded his business.
the girl slowly came back to me and took the binder. she was all chripy again. then after 2 times, she called out for her brother.
"do another one", he shouted.
"wah! do another one?"
sounded like a whine but im sure she's happy to do more. and when she's done, she shouted for him again and he said the same thing (guess i know why he let her to do more).
"wah! im tired and he wants me to do another one."
"if you're tired i can do it"
"no it's ok. i can do it. cause just now you said you're tired but you still tape the boxes"
i just smiled. after a while, their father came. the brother rushed back to the scene to do another box. the little girl stayed by my side and waited to do another one before they go and i asked for her name.
"Elizabeth"
a little girl whom i dont even know made my day.
thank you.

Russell Peters brings smile to my face each day. and im happier now.
GMax rides later tonight!

IPOD!!!!

2008-10-09T10:17:00.003+08:00

finally i got an mp3/mp4 which can store ALL my songs and still have lots of space to put more. i dont need to crack my brain to which songs to be in or out of my mp3. weeeeeeee!!

im on 2 days MC.
puking and shitting the whole morning yesterday.
and of all places that i could puke while waiting for the check up, i had to puke in the doctor's office. hahaha!!

tomorrow's the big day.
Emma, im treating you to the flyer!!!
lets go!

pfft

2008-10-07T21:23:00.001+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AIJUD!
yeah, his birthday is 3 days before mine.

oh! im getting myself an IPOD video tmr!
and it's black!
and it's $200!!
and it's scratchless (as claimed)!!!
:D

im going bankrupt.
back to assignment!!!

save me

2008-10-04T19:45:00.001+08:00

im dying.
im lost.
help.

bumped over

2008-10-03T00:47:00.005+08:00

school is getting tougher with the assignments, projects, and productions coming on. though i've not been going regularly, i know that things are piling up. im going berserk.

school is just ONE thing. i have my FTT this coming Monday. i have my bands. i have work.
FRIENDS, FAMILY.
WAARRRGGHH!!!

i've got many things to get for school productions. i need a pouch, pliers, straps, gloves. then, more things for my Scenography project and Lighting assignment. i've not done my Stage Management's running list, nor have i done my DI Box for Sound module. i have my Text Analysis essay due Tuesday and i have AutoCad to catch up with in Drafting. seriously, if i had been going to class and being all good, i wont be having life now.

i want to jalan raye, but tell me, HOW?!?!
my bands' are planning for the next jamming/session already.
im finally a Sound OR Lighting operator for a production next month (which im very sure is going to take up ALOT of my time). OH! and plan for Backstage Pass.
though i dont pray, i still reach for Allah to give me the strength.

guys are all the same.
i wonder, what made you love me in the first place?
how am i different now?

sometimes, i'd feel intimidated by how others would always look better then me. self-conscious, well... tell me who has never been. im turning 22 and i dont have the slightest idea what's my personality or character is. i'd feel bad when i would simply shut myself up and not interacting. at the same time, i'd feel weird for being loud and crazy. i dont know.
i might need counsellor.
pfft.

i miss chatting with Aijud the JUD. hahaha!!
once but it was one hell of a conversation.
oh well...

i need to get more black tops.
let me re-phrase: I NEED TO SHOP.

EID MUBARAK

2008-09-30T23:40:00.002+08:00

SALAM AIDILFITRI
MAAF ZAHIR DAN BATIN

ku ingin menyusun sepuluh jari ku pade bulan yang mulia ini.

lots of love,
mido

powernap

2008-09-29T00:02:00.002+08:00

2 hours straight after i reached home from work and here i am. Mamayati allowed me to end work for the morning shift timing. and i'd settled the schedule with her already. woooohoooo!! oh! i didnt sleep last night. and i hope the nap is a really powerful one. haha!

going to read my text, then do my text analysis essay.
scenography project is somehow done.
HURRAY! and school reopens.
pfft.

dead

2008-09-28T03:14:00.002+08:00

im going to be the 1st one to change my work schedule. Mamayati's so going to kill me. but i've got no choice. the bump ins and bump outs days are not scheduled, they're passed around by mouth. no choice sia. sigh.

i might not be able to celebrate my birthday due to school, work, FOHs and bump outs - though i make sure im doing nothing on the day itself. but i've got no plans for now. how sucky is that. no one's asking me out. i still remember last year. Heira and Emma made my day. love you girls.

speaking of birthday, today's one of my classmate's birthday - NARDHA.
happy birthday babe!! hope you like the prezzie!

ok. im tired. bump out ended at 130am. did alot of de-riggings. i was practically on the scaffold or moving the scaffold the whole time. now im contemplating to coming for full shift later. guess i shouldnt. sigh. my pay's gonna be getting lower each month. how to survive.
i'd to labour myself for school productions for free till the wee hours when i could actually earn $6/hour at work. but i cant go to work coz it's school. WARGH!!!
oh, thanks to En-Linddi, i could watch Vagina Monolouges for free. :D

life's getting crazier. wish me luck for my sanity.
though i think im going to love bumping in and bumping out for productions.
what's more, im going to be lighting operator next month. and Andy's my designer! wooohooo!! Nardha's hating me for this. hehe!

so many things to plan and do.
shit, my bands.
*pulls hair*

countdown

2008-09-24T14:36:00.003+08:00

how time flies. another week to Hari Raya. there's so many things to do this week. and next week. not only schoolwork, but preparations for Hari Raya and bump ins and strike outs of productions. so far, i've never done the bump ins and strike out - NOT INFORMED. so im going for a strike out this Saturday. tomorrow will be spent shopping for ingredients for kueh, making some and sessioning after breaking fast. Friday is KUEH-MAKING day. Saturday is work in the morning, more KUEH-MAKING in the afternoon, and strike out at night. Sunday is work. and maybe continue with my KUEH-MAKING. oh! and in between, i had to do my assignments and projects, too. lalala... can i make it? pfft.

this also means, my birthday is in 17days time. excited! ooooooh!! adding to my list, i want Paul Smith Floral perfume. someone get me that. :D

im not demanding, just giving suggestions if you don't know what to get for me... IF you want to get me anything, that is. just so you know what i would want. hehe! *hint-hint*

nightwork ytd (which continued till 430am this morning) was a great experience. no customers, simply work, work, work. with no aircon, i was practically sweating while doing my tasks. there's only 2 fans and there's 4 of us. i dont like to whine, so i bore with the stuffiness. so much for eating lesser for the past few days, im actually eating more. pfft.

a chat with this guy a couple of days back was refreshing. it's been a while since i have endless topics to talk about with a guy. and yes, it's a FRIENDLY chat. another Mr Policeman friend. bahahaha!! very taughtful chap.

i'm over you. but even as friends, it's awkward.

birthday wish(es)

2008-09-17T00:49:00.003+08:00

Creative 16GB Zen Mozaic (i so need to listen to more songs at a go)
Creative black foldable headphones (i have the white. but the black is cooler!)
Trumpet mute.
Tuner.
MONEY.
Time with family and friends.
SURPRISES!! PRESENTS!!
OOOooooo!!!

ska

2008-09-15T11:53:00.004+08:00

i guess my heart's stuck to ska. once i start, i cant stop. though i did stopped for sometime a while back due to listening of the same ska songs and bands. now that i found some other new bands to get the inspirations in, im back! wooohooo!! skank-ke-doodle-woooo!!

woke up at 7am for 9am class. its been more than 2 weeks since i last woke up this early. but so far, some of the 9am classes are cancelled. not this week though. bucking up for the last week of the term. assignments, projects. hell yeah.

ska band's getting on just fine. found real talented guitarists. really awed by them la. so far, i think once a week of trumpet practice does do wonders. last 2 week i sucked and i improved greatly the following week. maybe its the atmosphere. or maybe i've been playing it for years. just need to practice more often. so yeah, my $480 Bach trumpet wont be collecting dust after all. woooohoooo!

i simply love my work schedule.
fasting month has been great. i've learnt to be more patient and calm with my thoughts. i thought of Allah more. thank him for guiding me through.

love. well, back to square one. it sucks.
as long as you're happy.

shit. so many things to be done.
bye!

hair

2008-09-12T13:58:00.002+08:00

oooooo. her hair is so cool.
thanks to this photo i'd found, im not going to trim my hair for raya. im so excited. c'mon hair, GROW!

have not been going to school lately. and have not been doing my school work. i dont know what's distracting me. every week i'll tell myself that the next week have got to start focusing. but noooo... it got worst over the last 2 weeks. great isnt it. now, i'd missed 5 out 0f 6 classes for my Stage Management module. lalala...
slap me.

im going to RP later. not really RP, its the park beside it. to have a session with my ska band. i think it'll be more of a chill out session. im really not good in managing this band and neither is the drummer who simply cocks everything up when he's the one who wanted the band to be active again. urgh. hope he wont make me find another drummer.

yesssssaaaaa... my hair is growing. cant wait to re-bleach it for raya. ((((:
ok... whatever. i'll upload that pic another time. so lagging.
bye!

start over

2008-09-11T01:54:00.002+08:00

time to get control of my life. not that i've not been in control all these while. i've got my working schedule all to my advantage. i've no production this term, just helping out with the setting up and "demolishing" productions. some lecturers cant lecture while others are damn interesting. practical at times can be a bore coz there's nothing new at some point and there's no sequence to what we'll learn next, etc. so we have to capture things and make sense of it all in the end. and i've not been doing anything about it. assignments are piling up and i've been missing classes like no one's business.

you're not worth my time no more. you're lucky that i bought that gift when we were an item. i've no heart not to give you since the intention is for you. happy birthday, and glad you like the smell.
you make me hate guys even more.
seriously... why do i keep accepting guys with lower education then me and oh-so-big dreams? and when i wanted to be the one supporting, they'll find me of no use. heck.
i cant keep giving myself excuses to hold on for nothing.

fasting month is about PATIENCE.
bear with this, mido.

ikea

2008-09-06T00:54:00.004+08:00

went out with mom, sis and lil bro to ikea. we're like happily shopping and i, especially, was happily picking out things from everywhere. it's been a while since i had such outing with my family. my mum was smiling, everyone was smiling. we joked around. yeah. and we'd spent $550 altogether - ehem, mostly are my stuffs. hehe!
then, we broke our fast at a coffeeshop in Tampines. we ended up talking about our financial problems. seriously, i need to help my parent soon. my mum looked so depressed but she held on for my younger siblings. my elder brother? well, even my mum cant rely on him. he only gave less than a tenth of his salary to my parents - including cash that he borrowed from them. ridiculous. i told my mum the truth, that i dont respect him anymore. i guess she understands. even my sister could see the hardships of our parents. why cant he? depend on ME to help? im still schooling for god's sake. i merely earn half of what he's earning and i'd give my parent about the same amount as he does. seriously, i cant believe he couldnt see all this. still have the cheek to scold my mum for not having food whenever he's home, when my mum herself had worked the whole day. selfish, really. i really wanted to help. but i know i had to get through my 2nd year for a Diploma and get a job from there. i dont care where. i just know a guy who's working at Mediacorp. the earning is not bad. i wouldnt mind trying out and help my parents before moving to Australia.
2 more years... mum, dad. i'll help you guys. i want you guys to stop working for good. i want to take care of you. its ok if Rudy's still schooling. if i can, i'll support all of us.
guess i'll have to stop spending now.
yes, mama cried when she talked about this. she just wanted the best for us. i feel bad.

all these while, i've been thinking for myself. for the problems i thought i couldnt live with. and i'd oversee this problem - the one which is so near to me. i'd wasted money to trying to win someone's heart who i came to realised would never repay me back with the same sincerity. how could i be so blind. my family needs me more now. my mum, especially. she's so thin now, so small. Ya Allah, please take care of my mum.

oh! i'd passed my BTT at my 1st try. FTT's in 6th October. and hopefully i can start my practical after that.
First Aid course exams and practical later.
my family's going GREY this year. woooohoooo!!! odd colour. i like!
on my term break, im going to remake my room, bake some kueh and yeah... help with the spring cleaning i guess.
it's going to be a good year. i wont expect any raya collection this year since last year i only received $25 in total. hahaha! well, its the gatherings and gossips... and new babies and kids. hahahaha!!

WHOAH

2008-09-04T13:58:00.004+08:00

i found an old pic of mine. see how big i was. OMG.

anyways, i planned to go overseas after Lasalle. further education and working. 3-4 more years in Singapore and i'll be off people. i havent discuss this with my parents but they're aware of my plans to migrate from here. most probably Australia. coz recently one of supervisors friends who's a malay, migrate and got married with another malay there. my supervisor told me briefly about their "love" story. i was wow-ed by it. and i want. i really do. now i have something to look forward to. yeah, no longer aiming for US or UK. i think Australia would be just nice. now... finish up till Diploma or Degree? hmmm...

assignments and projects piling up.
jammings.

you're beginning to ignore me. it's ok.

finding oneself

2008-09-03T00:28:00.004+08:00

something about me has been worrying me for a few years now. it's hard for me to make friends now. i cant strike conversations as easily as before. i find it intimidating when im alone with a bunch of friends as not to say the wrong things. it's really scary coz i dont have much good friends now as i had in JYSS. i wish i could talk to my new friends like how i would if i ever meet Emma, Jinah, Micey, Heira and Liyah. topics keep on flowing. both random and related ones. im going to be with my current classmates for another 3 years and i cant have myself being like this.
sometimes i feel like im being selfish.
i dont know.

my right wrist is hurting from work just now. damn.

sometimes one shouldnt change because of love.
one should just be oneself and love oneself before loving the other.

seriously, i need to lose weight.

new life

2008-08-31T01:48:00.004+08:00

now, i have another band to commit. it's a metal rock genre and they love Metallica and Iron Maiden. yes, i know... so not me. but it's worth the experience. the "leader" likes my vocals (who doesn't?? haha!).
watching Baybeats makes me wonder if i would ever go to that stage and do my thing. really... having 4 bands and have no idea if even one would plan to go that far. sigh. but its alright. i guess i have to be patient with these kind of things.
finally, i got the courage to start singing in bands. but i dont know about gigs. and most of them likes my voice. this really helps with my self esteem. i hope i can cope with 4 bands. but i'd be disappointed if there's a week where i wont have any jams from any of them. urgh.
so far, this week... i have 2 jams. next week, a confirmed 1 jam. im so relieved that the other band i'd replied to audition did not contact me. i think 4 is enough. and the genres are wide. that'll be good for me. hehe!
and if my dearest Emma managed to open up Alumni, then there'll be classical genre for me. hahaha!

yeah. im moving on. heart pain k saying that. haha!neways, fasting month starts tomorrow. time for another so-called "i-want-to-lose-weight-during-fasting-month-period" time. hak! crap.

can i have a rockstar boyfriend???

there's a cute guitarist who's playing for Legion (the metal rock band) the other day. haha! super cute. i was so shy to look at him. coz i kept having a feeling that he's looking at me. yikes! but still i curi-curi see him la. hehehe!! oh well...

ok ok. school has been great. i hope i could get some hands on experience from Travis this coming Friday about helping out TheaterWorks with their production. yes, i've been going more regularly now. even when the timetable is at 9am every single day.

got to go now. write down my lyrics. take off my nail polish for work tomorrow. read my script for Tuesday's class. then check out is there's any homework (there must be. it's just me).

you've stoned me.

just feel like putting this up.

is my hair cool or what!
credits to Emma Yuana. love ya!

ayul

2008-08-28T01:56:00.004+08:00

"the way you make me feel is out of this world. what i promised you in the anniversary gift is for real. what i need from you now is assurance. im taking a step back to let you breathe. i care about you more than myself. im just hoping that you feel as much as i feel for you. you're so unpredictable that i feel uber guilty not knowing what's in your mind. but at the same time, those unpredictable actions and words that you gave are the reason why i stayed. you're simply irresistable to me. and from that song, you're like my bestfriend now (macam aje k).

i ever told myself to be prepared for the worst if there ever is, but i know... i can never be prepared. coz i dont wish to lose you.
never ever."

tired out

2008-08-27T02:23:00.002+08:00

im putting myself into deep shit by joining another 2 bands. not yet confirmed but yes, im auditioning. so far only one of my 3 bands is active. surprisingly, my In Reverie member just text me early yesterday to jam on saturday. thank god it was cancelled. my auditions for the 2 bands are on friday and saturday respectively. then my active band will, hopefully, jam on sunday if there's any studio available. 3 days in a row wow. guess i've gotta miss Beybeats this year. shucks.

i dont know about you baby. but we need to have a long talk.

ARGH! so many new songs to learn. BTT tomorrow.
im glad im off for 3 straight days. love it.

counting

2008-08-22T19:33:00.007+08:00

no point telling myself to wait. so... i've got an idea to simply count the days till you asked me out again. it's just different now, really different. im sure you're aware of the way you're treating me. i dont know what you want, so be it. im telling myself to just be patient. if you still go, i have no reason to blame myself then.

you promised you wont make me feel the way Uka did.
im denying to myself that history is repeating itself.
coz, i trusted you.

i've not been feeling well today. cold sweat now and then. headache.
mido, be strong.

bloatie

2008-08-21T00:36:00.004+08:00

losing my sleep last night did not pay off for yesterday's class. i got confused with the line weights and it wasnt what the lecturer wanted. class was spent doing yet another drawing (below).

oh! it was Ming's birthday. everyone bought something to eat, except for me. i didnt arrive earlier to celebrate. coz of the bloody drawing which was "rejected". argh. neways, that's Nardha. she's my partner in crime in class. hoho!

i love my class. i did some little shopping to relieve my stress after class with Nardha. went to Mustafa Centre. bought my hair bleach and facial scrub. im going to get Face Shop's nail colours soon. really. i've got to start pampering myself with such things. haha!

when can we go out again???

technical drawing

2008-08-20T10:55:00.004+08:00

my messy "working area".
VOILA!

lacking of sleep now.

cocked eye

2008-08-19T23:36:00.003+08:00

technical drawing can be an ass. have not been doing for so long and suddenly had to do. worst, its not product... its a black box (a type of theatre for the laymen out there). was working on it in the morning. not completely though. i was multi-tasking with the television. hehe! oh well, had to get it done after this. argh... the details are excruciating!!!

in the afternoon was spent with Daddy and Rudy. walked around town. there's a cool shop in PS. for DIY stuffs. super nice!! i bought some stuffs for school at Takashimaya. i like! a green file and a notebook. yeah. i have countless notebooks now. hahaha!! both in use and un-use. hehe!!

i miss Mr Gunman dearly. im afraid we wont be meeting this week due to my First Aid course and class outing to watch a production after that on Saturday. last meeting was last Monday, 11th. thus im praying hard i have 6/9 with him all to myself. i have lots of things to do yet the fasting month might be a restriction.

oh, im no longer performing on the 5th. take note. haha!

Emma Yuana. you have a cool name and i miss you dearly. i want to have another sleepover with you again. then you can help me bleach my hair again too. and i can help you dye your hair. weeeeeeeeeee!! love you sis!

contemplating on California Fitness membership.
KL trip with colleagues on November.
Mr Gunman said he would want to go to Bangkok with me and 2 of his good friends, Faris and Suzi. yes! yes! i want! shopping!! and he's ORD-ing in December. YAY-ness!!

absence makes the heart grow fonder.

First Aider

2008-08-17T23:43:00.002+08:00

weekend was spent learning First Aid at Red Cross. yes, this is Mido talking. it's compulsory for my course. and like band, this is no sissy stuff. i enjoyed the whole thing very much. and well, there's theory and practical exam on Saturday. and because of this short course outside school, im seeing the same faces for straight 13days. how cool is that. hang out with Nardha after the course. she's a cool kid k. super HOT. hahaha!! im jealous. but yeah, she's cool. we sort of like the same stuffs. but the problem is that she talks pretty soft. im super loud compared to her. haha!

school has been great - except for the morning timings of the timetable. they're making us like zombies. dark rings. and my appetite grew like nobody's business. Mr Gunman can see that. well, he's getting bigger too. but that doesnt matter to me. hehe!
YAY!! HE JUST TEXT ME HE MISSES ME!!!

i'll be performing for a gig on the 5th of September. no other details. hahaha!! yes, my first time singing in a gig. crazy shit!!

fasting month is coming. Mr Gunman and I are planning to lose weight. hahahahaha!
random stuff.
:P

anti climax

2008-08-15T00:17:00.004+08:00

maybe its just me. like you said, im tired. guess you know me well enough not to bother me when im tired but that really doesnt mean that you should not care for me. my heart aches when my friends were the ones who's saying things i expected from you when i whined. maybe i should not have expect anything from you. what hurt me most is that i cant remember the last time you said "i just want you to be happy" to me. a friend just told me that and i wonder if you should be of importance now.
something my colleague asked me at work just now made think.
"do you confide with your boyfriend?".
i laughed and replied, "each time i tried to, he'll take it as a complain."
i hid my sorrows coz i want people to see us happy. i hid my unhappiness coz i want you to be happy. bottomline, im not happy.
my heart's aching. i told myself its might be my PMS. but then again, why am i giving myself excuses just so that i could accommodate to your everything? why am i crying silently without you knowing again and again? you said you never want to hurt me again. but you still do. i never showed coz its obviously a one way sacrifice - i had to adapt to you.
i'd made DIY things for you. for the so-called "1st year". i even bought a prezzie for your coming birthday. now i wished i never cared.
why? why cant you just be nice MOST of the time?? your jokes... there's no limits. there's not even signs that they're jokes. and i had to take everything as a joke when im with you. is this thing we're having even serious??

wordless

2008-08-13T22:24:00.000+08:00

coz i've got you.

lets start over

2008-08-11T23:46:00.003+08:00

you asked me out yesterday when you got to know that i've got no class today. and i ditched work coz i miss you so much. thank you for the accessories from your trip to Bangkok. they're really lovely. i had a great time with you today. as i'd said countless times, you'll always make me smile.
i love the way you play with my fingers and nails whenever you held my hand.
yes, im praying this will last. coz i cant let you go.
can we still celebrate our 1st year? hehe!

express

2008-08-10T21:32:00.002+08:00

you're someone no one can ever replace. you really are someone truly special to me, someone i would hold on dearly till the end of my life. i want to learn more about you, understand you, be there for you, have you. when i reminisce back the times we'd spent, they'll never fail to bring a smile to my face. YOU make me happy. there's no need for others to know who we are, what we are. coz all i want from you is just you. till the end. im blessed to have knew you. and i'll pray it'll continue this way.
yes, i truly love you.

:)

excited

2008-08-10T03:08:00.003+08:00

i was overwhelmed with my sudden creative thoughts just now. i'd cleaned and tidied my side of the room. i have way too many beauty products. these excludes my make-up products which are divided into 2 bags for its different level of usage. hahaha!!

of all the things in there, i've got not a single nail polish.

i miss my Mr. Gunman.

mornings

2008-08-09T10:02:00.003+08:00

i guess i cant sleep past 10am nowadays. thanks to school. talking about school, it's been great. i feel like a student again. hahaha! hopefully im not speaking too soon. Mr. Gunman has helped me with morning calls for the 1st 3 days. hehe! im so manje la. schoolwork is manageable. modules are all interesting. lecturers are great. what more can i ask for in this course man. wait, the competition. it's crazy. every man/woman for himself/herself.

when you confessed, you made me light. its mutual. words dont need to express how we felt for each other. take care sweetie. you're always missed.

i miss my friends. been hanging out with Rasyid after school for the past 2 days. and im meeting him again later for this event Su invited me. i'd impulsively bought a pair of Adio shoes yesterday. it came with my favourite colour - GREEN! couldnt resist how adorable it looks on me! hahahaha!! guess no more shopping now.

STOP

2008-08-03T15:59:00.003+08:00

forgot to tell you that i'd gave my number to a guy whom i never knew was mentally disturbed all these while. my friends who knew him laughed. now, he calls me every weekend. argh. creepy.

im always reminiscing the pasts i had with you. when you reminded me of that special date that's coming up, i felt light (literally people). and you remembered the date you first saw me face to face - national day 2007. you came down my workplace and admitted that you saw my butt crack. hahaha!! pants was getting lose k. it really doesnt seem like a year had past - not that its a bad thing. im glad things are fine between us now. we had great fun whenever we meet. its more happier now. more flow. and yes, my nose still itches everytime i meet you. hahaha! at least those grumpy days of mine are reducing. the thing that i cant stop smiling about is seeing the softer side of you. the manje and merajok sides of you. though its only for a few minutes, you can make me smile for the whole day simply thinking about it. i hope you have a safe journey to Bangkok over the weekend. enjoy yourself. and take care of my camera!!

fate? hope? believe?

i just got accepted by the band i'd auditioned for. now waiting for the current vocalist to make her last few performances. really, i was feeling rockstar whenever i jammed with them. i'll be all over my area headbanging and what not. believe me, i sang Bring Me To Life. i surprised myself completely.
Isabelle's Overdrive.
i still miss playing ska. but i want a band which i dont need to manage. no time for that, really. now that school's starting. how now brown cow?
Second Dosage.
aiyoooo. i so miss these abang2 punkrock la. jamming with them is great fun but i really have no idea where we're heading to now.
In Reverie.

happy

2008-08-02T19:28:00.002+08:00

you made me feel that way.

a wonderful start for August.
*he still remembers our special date*
it could have been our 1st.
sigh.

school's starting on Monday and assignments have already started to pile up.
jamming off.

jealousy

2008-07-31T01:39:00.004+08:00

that has brought me nothing but headaches and heartaches. i realised i've tried numerous times to make you jealous but i think you know all along that my heart is only for you. that's why you didnt bother. whereas, i wasnt given that assurance. but now im just letting myself lose. coz at least i know you still care for me after all these months. that's all i need to keep me go ga-ga for you.
hahaha!!

i dont know if its just a joke. but for a moment, i thought i heard him say i look cute.
a compliment, from him?!
RARER still.

and yes, it's fun teasing him with Elbriena.

urgh

2008-07-31T00:33:00.003+08:00

i dont know why but i've got lots of Malaysians adding me up in MySpace.
and no, i dont accept them.

floating and drowning

2008-07-29T00:47:00.002+08:00

sweetheart, you make me smile. i love how things are now. but will it stay?
i wish and i'll pray.

life is going well so far.
sleepover with dear Emma this thursday.
im off on a friday and saturday. such a rare.

hanged out with the girls last saturday. it was a girly session. i had my nails done by Liyah. hahaha!! it was fun. yes, of coz. we gossiped. love the babes.

gig was great. sweetheart was there. n he swept me away with his charm. hahahaha!! (right!) he did something i dreamt my boyfriend would do if we ever go to a gig together. and he did it perfectly.
OMG.

i hate to hurt guys. but they're hurting themselves.
because of me.

smile

2008-07-25T01:23:00.003+08:00

for 2 days, i managed to hear your voice. we had endless conversations. all kinds of topics. laughter that we've not had for months. it was great.

then, i managed to put up the courage to ask. WHY? you dont even know. what if i wait? till you ORD. would that be a better time for you? maybe not.
i told you, i cant have feelings for anyone else. coz i only have for you. and i said, how am i supposed to move on like this. you still cared. you still bothered. maybe you're just denying yourself. but still... im right here waiting for you.
thank you for calling. you'd made my days again. you always do when you called. even just for 5 minutes.
will i ever get you back?
sweetheart.

YOU

2008-07-24T11:40:00.002+08:00

that's all that i wanted.
you're that bad boy who never fail to make me smile.
i cant be mad at you when you're late.
that smile of yours... it just melts.

sigh.

nightmare

2008-07-18T07:00:00.004+08:00

i dreamt of him. he was how he used to be. but i did something behind his back again. and i kept it from him again. to make matters worst, i think it was his brother.

and now i couldnt sleep.

random

2008-07-16T23:05:00.001+08:00

i just want to say that i LOVE taking pictures in the toilet cubicle.
:D

sudoku

2008-07-15T01:50:00.002+08:00

maybe she did get in. but there's no such things as the course in the website. we'll see next month.

less than a month and i'll be back schooling again. im ecstatic. there's only 11 classmates and at least this time im not the only malay. there's another malay girl (i already know her) and a malay guy. some are my previous classmates, others are obviously new. weeee!!

IM FAT.

should i be a student volunteer? ok, i'd sent the email. im going for the briefing. if then, i might even be involved in the welcoming week. grrrr... oh well. better be active then never. im going to be stuck there for another 2-3 years.

someone loves me. others like me.
hahaha!! the things people say to get attention. aint falling for it no more.

so, Wednesday outing with Emma had to be interrupted by the briefing. i suggested Botanic Gardens instead.
OH!! JYSB MAINTAINED A SILVER!!! i knew you guys would make us proud!

my elder brother was admitted to the hospital. had his operation to take out his appendices. visited him before work just now. he looked so weak. yeah, he's still in the hospital. pray he'll get better.

i hate my tits. they're way too big.
i went to Eastpoint with my sis out of boredom. went to 2 lingerie shops. the 1st one was friendly and helpful. telling me the designs and colours available eventhough im not going to buy them since they dont carry the colours i wanted. instead, i bought panties. haha! the 2nd was a bitch. i asked if she carries my size. she looked at me top to bottom, primarily and obviously at my tits. then said that she only have the size in corset. whatever, i went out straight away and she still have the cheek to still look at my tits. grrr...

even when im almost broke, i still bought a MAC black matte eyeshadow. hahaha!
yes, can i be an emo.

cheers!

strictly boys day

2008-07-13T03:42:00.005+08:00

morning was spent with my dad and lil bro. enrol for my car license then get my very new Sony Ericsson C702. woooo!!! HAPPY!! after that, met Syafiq for gig at scape. coincidentally Rasyid was there, too. he joined us. after i went out with them, i met Khai to hang out. yes. Khai said i looked like a barbie in our pic below. crazy day. so much for Uka "booking" me on Saturday. sheesh.

OOOOOOO!! i have a friend im calling bacin. and im masam. hahahaha!!

my dearest JYSB. i feel for you guys.
sigh.

half the heart in the sky. can you spot it?

syafiq . me

me . rasyid

me . khai

lil bro . me

so be gone.

dedicated to me

2008-07-12T00:59:00.001+08:00

Beautiful you know you leave me breathless when
You fall into my eyes
My heart belongs to you my angel
There is just no reason for you to let
Life bring you down
Please come with me and let me show you

I know that at times it may be hard
To let go of yourself
Baby girl tonight leave your cares behind
Because it's time to celebrate
All night long I'll sing and dance with you
My sweet princess only if you trust in this...
Take my hand and follow me
I will sweep you
(I will sweep you)
Off of your feet
All night long I will sing and dance with you

Everytime I look at you I can't believe
How Magical you are
The stars belong to you my angel
Run away with me into a world where time
Seems to not exist
The smile on my face will show you

I know that at times it may be hard
To let go of yourself
Baby girl tonight leave your cares behind
Because it's time to celebrate
All night long I'll sing and dance with you
My sweet princess only if you trust in this...
Take my hand and follow me
I will sweep you
(I will sweep you)
Off of your feet
This night will only end when we stop
Dancing

My sweet princess
I will sing and dance with you
(All night long)
The stars, they belong, to you My Angel

All night long I'll sing and dance with you
My sweet princess only if you trust in this...
Take my hand and follow me
I will sweep you
(I will sweep you)
Off of your feet
This night will only end when we stop

first time ever a guy dedicates a song to me.
and so, i searched for the lyrics. OMG. im flattered.
if only...

FREE HUGS

2008-07-09T10:42:00.002+08:00

anyone doing any free hugs campaign? tell me. i wanna join.

benefits of hugs.

yes. im feeling like i have to start giving now. im inspired by my generous friends, the free hugs campaign, etc. i want to be part of it.

outing with Emma next wednesday! YAY!! we're going Sentosa!! she's the bestest!
she just got home from Cambodia to help the hids there. so good right! im so proud of her. she's really someone who gives her all to make people feel there is someone who cared when no one else does. she rocks la.

im wondering who i should go out with this Saturday.
:X

KARAOKE!!!

2008-07-09T00:28:00.003+08:00

omg! i think its going to be my next favourite thing to do.
thanks Liyah! thanks Eqyn!
i had a great time! we really should go more often. REALLY!! fucking cheap place with great song list! wooooooo!! internet does wonders. Cash Studios aint the cheapest k people. aiyooooooo.

eqyn . lya . me
yes, tell me i look real different here.

i have guys trying to get me now.
im not proud. im not even happy.

ok! Syafiq's calling me in a few minutes time! he always do the talking so i'll just have him make me sleepy. hahaha!!
cheerios!

stop

2008-07-07T00:21:00.002+08:00

as i asked, im just hurting myself. you didnt care, never did. cant believe i had put my all for nothing in return... AGAIN. im going to move on. im going to show you, im better off without you. last time, you wanted me back when i was moving on. i'd realised why i wanted to move away. i know you wouldnt stop me this time. thus, i'll be stronger.

i give up on love. there's no such thing in my vocabulary.

emma's returning later today. no idea what time, but she's returning. YAY!! i miss her. i want to go out with her. talk and talk and talk.
i miss the days when boys rarely pops up in my head now and then. they're full of headaches.
another day. another day and i shall be happy.

life

2008-07-06T04:38:00.002+08:00

how should one's life be measured?
not by money, nor status...
i learnt... by love.
give it. pass it. take it.
it'll only make your life worth living.
don't you think so?

i want to love you when everyone turns away.

cherish what you have before it's too late.
you'll never know when someone in your life leaves.
love.
give it. pass it. take it.
and be happy.

darling

2008-07-06T02:18:00.000+08:00

Don't lie don't lie to me now
Now im erasing you
Throwing those memories out
Out to start something new
Im throwing those memories
Darling
Don't lie to me
Darling don't
Breathe in slowly now
Darling don't lie to me
Breathe in slowly now
Darling don't lie to me
Inhail truth I plead
For your my only hope
Don't lie don't leave
Mind set on failure
The road you chose
Told me you loved me
Told me no
Take your time im only dying
Patently I kneel here dying
Curse the blind you curse the blind
Deep inside is where it lies
Don't mind me
Im only dying
What got me into this mess that devoured me
Lies and deceitful actions keep promising
Darling don't Lie

the wonders

2008-07-03T02:49:00.003+08:00

one minute i was tired of you.

another minute im falling for you.

the day was spent out with Su and Liyah. i had so much fun. im envying them for having boyfriends who wouldnt leave them, and vice versa. Su took the time to let me catch up with her life while Liyah took the time to enjoy herself in a different way, i guess. haha! overall, the photography and karaoke session was great. we were forced out of the railway track after baraly 15minutes of reaching there. but we still managed to get some photos out of it. lunch at Macdonalds and off we went to sing our hearts out.
another session next week. im psyched!!!

su . me . lya

back to work work work.

not gonna write you a love song

2008-07-02T00:45:00.002+08:00

it helps going to the library and borrowing books for your reference. and i knew that at 21 years old. how uncool. i've learnt more about my camera features within 30minutes of browsing. and it's been more than a year since i got hold of my D70s. clever aint i. hak!

sometimes, you pissed me off.

in technical theatre, one has to start from the bottom. and in Singapore, it means volunteer your hours doing shit jobs. so... should i start now?
k. emails sent. to 2 companies only. hahahaha!!

do you know you?

2008-07-01T01:29:00.003+08:00

how can you love someone and not yourself?
how can you believe in someone and not yourself?
how can you trust someone and not yourself?
how can you not hate that someone but you hate yourself?
how can you live when you dont care about yourself?
how can you hear when you dont listen to yourself?

dont ignore those cries in you. they need to be heard.
so give yourself a break and hear yourself talk.
crazy as it may sound, but it might be the only solution to keep you sane,
when everything around you drives you nuts.

catch me if you can

2008-06-30T07:29:00.002+08:00

catching up with the old times was refreshing. ponytails and a maternity wear till 630 in the morning. haha!! love you babe.

3 books borrowed under the name of my supervisor. he's such a helpful friend. all for the sake of my course and D70s. a stage management book, broadway book and a camera guide book. i should start reading again.
wednesday shall spent with my bestie and cuzzie at the abandoned railway track. :D
it's 1st July tomorrow. he gets to book out (i think). GST dividends thingy's in. double YAYs!

goals

2008-06-28T02:13:00.002+08:00

since i'd left my Alma Mater, i've been school-hopping. 3 schools and the 4th is a choice i really wished i had made from the beginning. i've been saying about getting a BA from Lasalle. But i decided not to. i havent discussed with my parents about it yet but i wish to stop at diploma. get a job, work for a few years or more and finally get my BA from a more established arts school overseas. im turning 22 this year, i cant live my life studying and being a burden to my family.

other than studies, i want to lose weight.
how many times have i said that eh...
:P
let me rephrase: i want to be skinny. for once. hahahahahaha!!

oh oh oh!
something unexpected happened at work. i was doing my usual shelving when this customer came to me saying that a lady was very sick nearby. i went over and she was sitting on the floor trying to put medicated oil on herself. another woman was stroking her back - i dont know why. i was lost and went back to the counter and ask my supervisor for assistance. then i was insisted by the woman to stay and help the lady. she told me to put more medicated oil for her, etc. i wanted to do more but i dont know if i should. so i had to ask her each time i want to do something. "you want more water?" "you want to lie down?" "more medicated oil?". gosh. then she got weaker and laid down. i dont know why but i decided to pin up her fringe. cam rimas gitu. hahahahaha!
and i got a cake from the manager who took over the situation for being helpful (which i'd forgotten to bring back home. oh well, it's in the fridge). haha!!
see what kind of customers we had to handle. haiyooooooo.

apek was mean, i'd cut short that story over SMS and he said he couldnt understand.
mean! mean!! mean!!!

mentel-ness

2008-06-26T18:47:00.003+08:00

woke up at 5am from my sister's alarm, checked my phone and received a missed call from apek at 4.04am. checked again, he SMSed me to call him once im up. and i called. we'd planned to chill out at east coast the day before if he gets to book out. and so we did. i couldnt sleep again so i was up, online and simply surfing the net till it's time to get ready.
supposed to meet at 10am but i reached there 30minutes later. hehe! i dont know why, but we were all black - AGAIN. we made our way to the beach. it was freaking hot. we were practically bathing with our own sweat.
i was just being myself the whole time. and he said that he'd never seen me so mentel before. hahahaha!! yeah, i was manje-ing with him once in a while. but the really mentel ones were just to tease him. packed at 230pm and back home for us. i followed him back to Bedok interchange. missed my bus, then missed his bus (coz i gave him an upset face... and and and... there was only one person boarding the bus and the bus driver went off without wasting a second.) and i boarded my bus.
so yeah... a few hours with him till i dont know when. the stupid NS thing is taking alot of his time. but im glad he has something to look forward to - his trip to Bangkok with his brother.
this one conversation stayed in my head. he happened to say that i was scared when his mother picked up the phone when i called his house the other time. i said no, and dared him to let me meet her. then he said it's not the right time yet. -_-"
7 more weeks. wow.
i'll never forget Heira's words on my last birthday.
"mido, you look so in love"
am i still?

hopes

2008-06-25T00:13:00.003+08:00

it's going to be almost a year since we first kissed.
things are different now. but believe me, it's not the end.
i'll wait for you like you said you want me too.
coz i just want to be with you.

oh! mido's gone all mushy.
life's been better and happier.
i've got a date with my trainer this Sunday.
work's been just fine. beginning to get my priorities straight now.
i hope, hope, hope he gets an off day tomorrow.
coz i miss, miss, miss him so.
school's starting in about a month time. im excited.

skanking goodtime

2008-06-23T10:23:00.002+08:00

2 gigs over the the weekends, just like before. support DOS on Saturday and ska-punk gig on a Sunday. 22 and i felt so old in the pit. new faces everywhere. and they skank funny. sigh. the place very the small la, especially the stage. pity the bands playing. overall, i enjoyed myself very much. cant wait for more gigs. seems like im the surviving one among my girlfriends. double sigh.

celebrated Susi's birthday after Saturday's gig. the girls were there. i miss the hangouts.

lots of pictures to enhance, upload, send, pass around.
and no time to do them.
got to get ready for work now.

p/s: i'd lost my phone in the skank pit. my mosaic lanyard!!!!!!!!

brand new start

2008-06-21T01:27:00.001+08:00

im beginning to get everything i ever wanted in my life start again.
friends, music, school, work, love.
it's great knowing that im no longer alone.

ego

2008-06-20T09:32:00.002+08:00

i hate it when people says bad things about others just so that they'll feel good and superior. not saying that i never did it before. but i dont go around telling people his/her personal problems when the other party dont even know who he/she is. besides, i've no rights to tell it either. i mean, if you're saying about his/her attitudes and appearance, that would have been normal. what if you happened to know that the numbers that you've been getting from your friends know that you have skin issues from that very particular friends. that's an OUCH for me.
im sorry, dude. sometimes, friends are better off as strangers.

i had an impromptu outing with Emma yesterday. accompanied her with her Cambodia trip checklist. went to Mustafa then back to her house and had some GIRLS time. i "striped off" her legs naked. and she helped me with my hair colouring (yes, again). then i helped she and her mum colour their hair. then stayed and watch tv with the family and off i went.
sis, you're great the way you are. intelligent, bubbly, caring. love yourself k.

i'd bought Cocoa Butter lotion from Mustafa. put it on last night and i still smell of chocolate. YUMMY!! hahaha!!
im starting to love myself. which means, im finally back to singlehood now.

if you want me, you'll find me.
bye!

past, present, future

2008-06-17T10:15:00.002+08:00

i read my posts from my livejournal and blogger about my last relationship. i realised that most of the time when i met apek, i was having my PMS. what a luck for him eh. the last time we met, i was having it and i just realised how patient he was with me.
it's funny that i cant see these little things that he did for me when we're in a relationship.
i do miss knowing that he's mine. but somehow, i felt that things are just fine the way they are. i could say that we're in the "dating" period - i think. i like it and he likes it too. and the scary thing is that, my feelings grew but the plus point is that im able to control it. unlike when im in a relationship, where i'd be so lost and not in control with my feelings.
so... this is good, right?

dad's sponsoring my car license and enrolment fee for my bike's next month.
yes, like finally.
i need to shop for clothes next month.

school reopens on 4th August. more than a month more to go. im still contemplating whether to help with the welcoming for the freshies. hmmm...

music?

2008-06-16T00:18:00.002+08:00

i wonder where my music inspirations went to. i've not been active with something i love so much. life has been pretty much dull without it. work, work, work. i miss going for concerts, gigs. what more, i miss the practices i'd have for all kinds of performances.
sigh.

i'd passed my Foundation Studies. im officially a Technical Theatre Arts student. YAY me!! now, im looking forward in finding which specialization i would want to do. Wow... i've never felt so proud of myself in a long time. finally, i know what i want to do. this is it.

things between apek and me has been great. he's a wonderful friend. and i know that without his constant nags during my school period, i wouldnt make it to Level 1. he's the 3rd person, my parents were the 1st two, to know that i'd passed.
some people asked why im still contacting my ex-boyfriends. well, they make really great friends. that's all i've got to say. and apek REALLY is a great friend, REALLY special. wouldnt trade anything for him.
;D

i miss hanging out with Jeff in L-Cube. with Zack. argh. that idiot is busy working now. when he's not working, he cant meet coz he's got no money. now, he's working. he cant coz he's got no time. IDIOT. and i call him my wifey. im his hubby. hahahaha!! the things we do.

will be working till Friday. Saturday's off. wooooo! hope my laziness wont take over me.
and i've no plans on Saturday.
how great is that.
wait... it's only Monday.
bye!

friday the 13th

2008-06-14T12:16:00.002+08:00

i had the worst night of my life. my body went down on me. chill out with apek before he went back to his camp. i thought the cramps were from the menses. but no... once i stepped out of the bus and walked back home, i was farting like no one's business. silent ones but not deadly. haha! before the farts, i was burping the whole day. when i reached home, i shitted. i put axe oil on my tummy and forced myself to sleep. but... at 3am in the morning, i woke up. walked out of my room and... BLEARRRRGH!!! i puked. at the living room. was standing there puking for 5 minutes before i managed to walk to the toilet. then i washed myself up staying in the toilet for a while. then i sat outside the toilet coz i knew it wasnt over. i was right... but instead of puking, i felt like shitting. and this is the bonus part... when the shit's coming out, i puked too. like... WHOAH!! then i cant puke anymore and washed myself and went back to sleep. and about an hour later, went back running to the toilet and BLEARRRGH!! again.

i hate puking.

2008-06-12T20:08:00.000+08:00

boys are complicating.

not again...

2008-06-09T12:53:00.002+08:00

last night, i cried myself to sleep.
terrified that can never be who i was before.

070608

2008-06-09T10:14:00.002+08:00

on this day, i bought the following:

1. new hairbrush (Chamelon)
2. new tweezers (Chamelon)
3. new eyeliner (Chamelon)
4. Anna Sui red eyeshadow
5. Vidal Sassoon Ionic Ceramic Hair Straightener
6. Animal belt
7. Animal backpack
8. Animal sling bag (free gift)
9. Globe shoes

thank you Heira for accompanying me on my shopping spree.

it was red eyeshadow day. :D

i love shopping.
and im broke.

"you look so in love"

2008-06-08T22:30:00.003+08:00

i told myself im not going to get hurt by love anymore. but why?! why cant i do something so simple as that?! i feel bad for myself. for being so weak. for allowing myself to go down again. i was happy before it started. but surprisingly, i was happier when it begins. now, well... i dont know if i want to be just HAPPY or HAPPIER.
i've been keeping alot of things and feelings to myself for years. the urge to let things out is beginning to overpower my mind control. but i struggle to resist. i realised i have a BIG problem with trust. and again, i feel sorry for myself for this.
sometimes i wonder why my life cant be easier.
*screams out to the sea*

i need a guy who understands my inner self.

nikon lens, here i come

2008-06-07T01:40:00.002+08:00

i was in luck. first, went to the forum to find any lens for sale. then, survey the lens that's affordable for me. found one recommended one. price was $300. a good bargain and eveything's going to the sichuan earthquake. on top of that, it has a student price. he's only giving away at $200 for me. im soooo happy.
got my pay. im going shopping in a few hours time. 1st stop is Sex in the City movie at Vivocity. next are the stores. woooohoooo!! but wait, there'll sure be a huge crowd. im soooo not looking forward for that. haizzzzz.
i want to take off all these extra kilos.
im enrolling for my bike license later this month. *crosses fingers*. and my dad's going to sponsor for the car next month. i hope my "halfway" attitude wouldnt get on me for these.
i wont be playing for the 21st gig. sigh.

and...
all i wanted is him.

PAYDAY!

2008-06-06T00:35:00.002+08:00

hell yeah!! payday is today! most probably by 11pm. a month of hard work. i hope it paid off. i really need to shop after a month of none of it.
Saturday is a movie and retail therapy with Heira. yay!!

i miss apek alot.

i hate it when there an OBVIOUS arrows for where you're SUPPOSED to walk and still, having inconsiderate people walking at the opposite sides.
i hate when a group of people makes a sudden stop in the middle of human traffic.
i hate it the way a group of people use the pathway by walking in a line side by side and blocking the way of others.
urgh.

errr...

2008-06-04T16:07:00.002+08:00

i have a thing for dark average-size men in uniform.
yes, i never liked anything smaller. HAK!

it's June!

2008-06-01T13:09:00.004+08:00

in less than a week i'll be getting my pay. annnnnnnd... its time to shop.
im happy.
should i go get my license or just use the money and shop. hmmm...
im late for work and my whole body aches. daily exercise routine is killing me. or am i just getting old. hak!
i love him la.

he's full of craps. i like...

dear Heira, are you going to join me on my retail therapy on the 7th? i'd booked you right? hehe!!
bye!

oh dear...

2008-06-01T10:38:00.000+08:00

SUSI!!! :)))

out with Khai. everything was PERFECT and I had to ruin it. WHY?! WHY?!
it was a crazy outing. with little money, we managed to enjoy ourselves. and guess how i ruined it... i was so afraid of rejection that i walked out from him without a goodbye. yes, stupidly rude.
i cant live with any more denials, especially with Khai. FUCK.

see what i mean. how can i resist him.
oh! oh! oh! he was wearing the top i bought for his 19th birthday.
:D

i realised my huge arms are mainly muscles. i should stop working out. but then again, i need to coz im getting fat. haha! shuddup.

love you.
bye!

healthy lifestyle???

2008-05-30T09:53:00.000+08:00

i've been waking up around 8am for the past 2 days. doing morning exercises from a book and magazines i'd bought. felt that it's about time that i make use of these things rather than waking up just on time for work and rushing in the end. if i keep doing that, i would simply be walking past beautiful sceneries of everyday life.
coz on this particular day, the sky was AMAZING. i was practically staring at the sky, smiling to myself while walking to the train station. it was so calming. blue sky with puffy white clouds together with dark clouds, too. it's REALLY beautiful. thank HIM for such greatness coz HE is greatness himself.

it's time for Uka to move on, seriously.

work has been crazy. the stocks start to come in. we have piles and piles of books to shelve and display. and the crowd isnt helping either. urgh. stupid crowd.

i want to have retail therapy.
anyone wanna join?

friends?

2008-05-27T18:05:00.000+08:00

sometimes i wonder. will i ever have friends like i used to have before. where hanging out is a matter of asking and GO! i cant stop thinking how i'd lost them from my neglects.
from the bottom of my heart, IM TRULY SORRY.

come to think of it, my relationship with Uka is definitely not in my greatest-experiences-in-my-life list. i couldnt be myself. i had to stop my constant swearing - "fuck", "sial", etc. i cant call him names - "oi", "eh", etc. i was unconsciously controlled by him. so when he was unhappy with me calling him "oi" recently, i didnt bother to correct myself coz he obviously dont deserve the respect i'd gave him before. besides, we're friends.

the period with Khai was a whole different thing. yes, i missed it. lost it. i love the way we call and respond to each other with all kinds of names. i love the way he'll smile at me when he knows he did something wrong. i love watching him walk from the back (OMG. its weird. but i do. not only at the cute ass, but the whole thing. damn! hahaha!!). i still do it.
let me tell you of a game we'd played a few weeks ago. bought 2 bottles of green tea. the one who finish first will get something the other wanted. he made the game thinking he'd win. but too bad, I WON!! hahaha! and he had to get a pair of globe shoes by the end of the 2008. im waiting gemok!!! hahahaha!! weeeeeeee!!!

i miss jamming.
i need someone to help me plan my birthday with me. it maybe another 4 months but i want it to be the bestest ever! hahahaha!! cam budak kecik sak.

the following pics makes me smile whenever i look at them.

Khai - the gemok.

Pai - the MSN peep.

randomness.
time to clean up my room!
bye!

aim and shoot!

2008-05-25T23:14:00.000+08:00

i want to have more jamming sessions and performance again. can?!?!
im so happy that DOS coming back together again. my $480 trumpet wont be collecting dust after all. Bear had asked me to join his band as a vocalist. dont need to audition sia. wahahaha!! well, i think i can sing for them. i miss my punkrock band, though.
i have a gig coming up. opening band. scary shit.

chalet was not like what i thought it would be.
dont wish to talk about it.

i cant wait for my next pay. i've so many things in mind. OMG.
bye!

D5 rocks!

2008-05-21T05:23:00.000+08:00

from top left (clockwise):
Keith aka Obamaniac
Jian Hao aka Ah Hao
Joseph, my JYSB junior (surprisingly!)
Kenney aka Auntie, my wonderful trainer
Jaslyn, the new full timer
Yati aka MamaYati
Siti, the quiet one
Mai, the clever mouth
Myself aka Midah
Ming Choo aka Boss
Shahidah aka Bimbo
Monica aka Boss of Boss
Jane aka J.Lo

department dinner with well, my department of coz, was great fun. full of laughter, stupidities n debates. i love my department. it's pretty sad that one by one they're leaving. cherishing the times we're having now. Carousel was superb. been along time since i filled my stomach with so much food. hohoho! yes, i love the peeps!

next, Lasalle PAF chalet gathering. weeeee!!
its going to be 6am and im still awake.

bye!

BIG IS SEXY

2008-05-18T03:57:00.000+08:00

this is my inspiration.

the 10th ANTM winner, Whitney. she's of size 10.
im of size 12 but 10 is wearable except that my bust is way too big, thank you very much.
see, we're the new SEXY!!!

there will be no dieting for me. just lots of pampering - not in terms of food ok. exercise is a must, too. for my health's sake. im definitely loving single life again.

but i miss the frequent all girls outings i had back then more. the gossips, the laughter, the craziness, the advices, the bitchings, etc. yes, i miss all those. i miss the decent enjoyments we had together coz clubbing is definitely not my thing - and they know it, of coz.
yes, i want those get togethers more. once a week. a whole day. all the girls. no boys. just US.
Liyah.
Bella.
Eqyn.
Susi.
Fyza.
Jinah.
Jen.
will there ever be US again?
but... everyone's growing up.
sigh.

no doubt, i still miss my great friends from other "divisions".
Micey - JYSS truant partner.
Emma - JYSB freak.
Fyza - the other malay girl in DMTM.
Yaya - cute, blur queen of MEED1A.
Heira - sweet, unexpected babe of W14P.
yes, i miss them all. oh gosh.
i'm so going to have a birthday party for 2 nights.
1 night... JUST GIRLS.
that's my wish.

how is it like being single AGAIN?
mixed feelings, really. it's just too much to be described in words.

turning 22 and single.
BAH!!!
well, it's about time i have a real makeover from my hair till my toenails isnt it. im getting a double 2. that's pretty scary. when am i going to settle down. maybe singing in the kitchen does make you have later marriage. OMG. hahaha!!

chalet stuffs have been bought. i cant wait.
another chalet in June. what to plan for my parents' anniversary eh. hmmm...
cheerios!